The Beaver King, Cautionary Tales of Medieval Dysfunction

In Beaverton, there are certain truths everyone agrees upon without ever quite saying aloud. One of these is that BillDong Grier means well. Another is that he should not be left alone with ideas.

What follows is not ridicule, but record. BillDong’s misadventures are spoken of gently, often after the fact, and usually while repairing something he has touched. He is not cruel, nor clever, nor malicious. He is simply confident at the exact wrong moments.

First. BillDong was once told—by a person who should not have been trusted—that carrots improved night vision. Acting on this advice, he attempted to ride his two-wheel pedal bike down Turnip Run Road after dusk. He was later found overturned, bruised, and shaken, with seventeen carrots tied to the front of his gomobile, arranged in what he described as “a seeing cluster.”

Second. BillDong was brought to the physicker by Lord Bucker after Vast Sister complained that he could no longer hear her properly. The physicker removed three flies from BillDong’s left ear, which BillDong admitted he had placed there himself after being told they might grant him flying powers. He was advised to keep animals out of his body henceforth.

Third. Vast Sister once detected an odor and discovered BillDong was not changing his underpants daily. After being instructed to wear a fresh pair each morning, BillDong complied by adding a new pair over the old ones each day. This continued for six days before discovery and intervention.

Fourth. A local troublemaker exploited BillDong’s trust by offering him peeled scabs from his own injuries, presented as venison jerky, over the course of four days. This practice ended only when a Good Samaritan intervened. It remains the only recorded instance in which Vast Sister reported having no appetite.

Fifth. BillDong attempted to catapult a large stone for entertainment by placing it on a shovel and jumping on the opposite end. The shovel snapped, the stone rolled forward with purpose, a cider cart was struck, a mule panicked, and two jars shattered. BillDong was thrown backward into a shrub, where he announced he was “mostly fine.” The shovel was not.

Sixth. BillDong believes the moon follows him. He has tested this theory by stopping suddenly at night and waiting for it to stop as well. When it did not, he grew fearful. His sole attempt at nighttime travel remains the carrot incident, after which he concluded the moon had been “watching closely.” Since then, BillDong avoids the outdoors after dusk and draws his curtains tight, explaining that it is best not to invite attention.

The town continues, quietly and without ceremony, to look after BillDong Grier. This has proven necessary. It has also proven ongoing.

Marginal Note — Vast Sister: I warned him not to go out after dark. He said the moon would know. I do not know why the carrots were necessary.