The Beaver King, Cautionary Tales of Medieval Dysfunction

A Public Notice from This Minstrelle for the Peace of Mind of the Realm

Little Lord Bucker — the drinker, the swearer, the enthusiast of premarital gymnastics, the recreational pharmacist, the patron saint of sleeping past noon — periodically discovers religion the way a raccoon discovers a shiny object: loudly, briefly, and with no lasting behavioral change whatsoever.

During these sacred revivals, he may be seen arranging his face into an expression of profound moral concern, speaking solemnly of devotion, discipline, and “walking the righteous path,” despite not having walked with purpose since the last food pantry handout.

He will offer prayers.

He will request prayers.

He will swear he is a changed man.

He will also, often within the same conversational breath, contradict himself, revise history, or forget the position he held not ten minutes prior.

Scholars of Beaverton have noted that these episodes most frequently occur when:

• He has been publicly embarrassed
• He owes someone an apology he does not intend to give
• He has been caught in a contradiction
• He has lost an argument (which statistical records indicate is nearly always)

When cornered by logic, facts, or anyone with a functioning frontal lobe, Little Lord Bucker’s flabbers will be thoroughly ghasted, whereupon he will narrow his eyes in wounded sanctimony and deliver the ceremonial closing statement:

“I will pray for you.”

This phrase does not indicate concern for your spiritual well-being.

It means:

• He has run out of arguments
• He intends to portray himself as morally superior while retreating
• He would like the audience to forget what just happened
• He is ending the discussion without conceding anything

Citizens are advised that no documented prayer has ever been successfully traced to its intended recipient.

A Final Observation from This Minstrelle

“When Little Lord Bucker says he will pray for you, it is best understood as his formal declaration that he has lost the argument but refuses to lose the last word.”

Supplemental Note for the Public Record

“Should Little Lord Bucker offer prayers on your behalf, take comfort — it means you have already won.”